Tuesday, July 31, 2007

dusk falling

window view for xiaodi, sunsetting, not dusk yet.

Wearing sunglasses as i am typing this by my window...don't know why i didn't think of this sooner. It makes looking at the computer monitor so much easier on my aging pinguecula eyes [warning! this link will take you to some not very pretty images]. One eye got inflamed from too much fun in the sun or something. Probably more from lack of good sleep is what it is...

I've been having some really bad dreams lately. It started with the one where i get a call that xm died. I actually tried emailing him the next day but the messages sent to different email addresses all bounced back. Have no other way to get in touch with him right now.

Other disaster dreams:
[two nights ago] I wake up and saw that my scalp is veiny reddish, and realized with horror that it is from hair falling out. My sisters are with me. We all turned to look at my pillow and saw a pile of fallen hair. May or Ting quickly grabbed all of it and threw it out, to save me from looking more at it.

[some days before the hair dream] I am in some construction site and running around trying to get to where i was going. Lots of pipes and tunnels. Bumped into someone who is bleeding and also trying to find a way out. He is also looking for his lover. It turns out i am in the middle of some secret planning for some world destruction. I woke up before i could get out of it.

[last night] I am driving and suddenly drove off the road. But thankfully, i did not dent the car or anyone. So i guess, it is not all bad. The two ladies at the insurance company are giving me a hell of a problem though.

In my waken state, besides my one red eye, i am actually doing quite well. So i really don't know what is up with these dreams. Thinking and absorbing too much maybe.

Well, there is some anxiety with the paintings i am working on...

This past weekend i was working on these* and boy doesn't it show that i don't know how to paint. I envy those who have such a natural sense of how the paint moves and how the colors could come together the way they want them to. Me, i have to keep trying and trying and pushing the paint around to see what would work. In a very clumsy and 'amaturish' way.

These are at their muddy state right now, and i will quit being ashamed of them:

(*They are actually panels from one of the cut-up black series paintings. Not sure if they will remain part of the black series or not later.)


  1. Hey, I woke up this morning, trip to the loo and then straight to the computer to see if anyone has left me a message, and there you are! Thank you. My lack of energy is at worst all-encompassing, but at times purely physical and I certainly don’t lack in drive, I WANT SO MUCH. Am glad somebody can feel it too, even just through my blog.
    The tiny hand-doily was made with hair-thin red wire. It’s ever so light and I like its weightlessness, just like with the tissue-paper shoes I made a while ago. Can imagine how disconcerting you found your dream about your hair falling out. I had a period some years ago when I would wake up in the morning and find whole strands of hair on my pillow, it felt frightening and I’m glad it stopped soon, before my scalp became visible. That you’re dreaming so much is a good thing, I think, you’re working something out. I don’t often remember mine and when I do they feel entirely conventional, but lately I dreamt of somebody whose body only consisted of his/her? head which moved across the ground without legs but not rolling either. It seemed entirely normal.
    Your new paintings: The delicacy of the pink paintings is lovely, but I find myself most moved by the two new ones. What I see in each is a ‘figure’ in the broadest sense that is wide open, receptive, all mouth and ready to drink in what comes their way. Vulnerable in that way too, not sure if they can close off. I’ve felt like that at times, all porose, unable to separate myself from the world. (Do we mainly see in others’ work what we ‘know’ ourselves?)
    Hope you’re able to get in contact with xm soon and that he’s alright!
    PS. What happened to the crying girl against red background you posted a while ago?
    PPS. I ordered AC's Autobiography of Red last week, impatiently waiting for it.

  2. Often, when I'm too deep in my work and can't see how to reach the point, I'm struggling for, I start dreaming weird stuff...
    Perhaps it could help to step away from your work for some days and do something entirely different...perhaps something you didn't ever do before.....

    I love your work!!!! And I also relate to the struggle you have with it ;))

  3. Cool that u shared your dreams. Quite scary they are.

    I like the silver paint.

    (Check your email.)