Tuesday, September 25, 2007


Two nights ago, i dreamt that i was in the studio with K. It was the most vivid dream i have of him since his death. I wish i had written this down sooner because i am already losing the details. E was there too. they are waiting for me to get ready to go out for breakfast/lunch. For some reason, i do not want to go with them. too early, too tired, just want to be inside. Finally, i told them i'll just stay, you guys go first, knowing that i'll miss some quality time with them. but thinking it may be better this way. do not want to keep them waiting. and having to pretend it is all okay. they leave. i look around, not really knowing what to do, regretting already that i didn't go with them. before i know it, they are back. so quick. i asked how was lunch? K turns to me with that calm steady look in his eyes, we haven't had lunch yet, will wait and eat together. inside, i am pleased. and so good i could see his face again. they had gone shopping instead and E got him a blanket. the one he has is worn out but i look at the one they just bought and it is made out of some plasticky material. is it even comfortable, warm? definitely not something he would get but he will use it because that is just the way he is.

We are looking at his wall of things. things he has kept in memory? i am surprised to see my mini pink paintings all around. they are even smaller in here. he has a small sliding object that he is showing me. it looks like a matchbox, but a little bigger and the surface looks like it is made out of the skin of a burn victim. it is not as awful as it sounds. i want him to keep showing me things. all around is the color of ham.