ham

Two nights ago, i dreamt that i was in the studio with K. It was the most vivid dream i have of him since his death. I wish i had written this down sooner because i am already losing the details. E was there too. they are waiting for me to get ready to go out for breakfast/lunch. For some reason, i do not want to go with them. too early, too tired, just want to be inside. Finally, i told them i'll just stay, you guys go first, knowing that i'll miss some quality time with them. but thinking it may be better this way. do not want to keep them waiting. and having to pretend it is all okay. they leave. i look around, not really knowing what to do, regretting already that i didn't go with them. before i know it, they are back. so quick. i asked how was lunch? K turns to me with that calm steady look in his eyes, we haven't had lunch yet, will wait and eat together. inside, i am pleased. and so good i could see his face again. they had gone shopping instead and E got him a blanket. the one he has is worn out but i look at the one they just bought and it is made out of some plasticky material. is it even comfortable, warm? definitely not something he would get but he will use it because that is just the way he is.

We are looking at his wall of things. things he has kept in memory? i am surprised to see my mini pink paintings all around. they are even smaller in here. he has a small sliding object that he is showing me. it looks like a matchbox, but a little bigger and the surface looks like it is made out of the skin of a burn victim. it is not as awful as it sounds. i want him to keep showing me things. all around is the color of ham.

dusk falling

window view for xiaodi, sunsetting, not dusk yet.

Wearing sunglasses as i am typing this by my window...don't know why i didn't think of this sooner. It makes looking at the computer monitor so much easier on my aging pinguecula eyes [warning! this link will take you to some not very pretty images]. One eye got inflamed from too much fun in the sun or something. Probably more from lack of good sleep is what it is...

I've been having some really bad dreams lately. It started with the one where i get a call that xm died. I actually tried emailing him the next day but the messages sent to different email addresses all bounced back. Have no other way to get in touch with him right now.

Other disaster dreams:
[two nights ago] I wake up and saw that my scalp is veiny reddish, and realized with horror that it is from hair falling out. My sisters are with me. We all turned to look at my pillow and saw a pile of fallen hair. May or Ting quickly grabbed all of it and threw it out, to save me from looking more at it.

[some days before the hair dream] I am in some construction site and running around trying to get to where i was going. Lots of pipes and tunnels. Bumped into someone who is bleeding and also trying to find a way out. He is also looking for his lover. It turns out i am in the middle of some secret planning for some world destruction. I woke up before i could get out of it.

[last night] I am driving and suddenly drove off the road. But thankfully, i did not dent the car or anyone. So i guess, it is not all bad. The two ladies at the insurance company are giving me a hell of a problem though.

In my waken state, besides my one red eye, i am actually doing quite well. So i really don't know what is up with these dreams. Thinking and absorbing too much maybe.

Well, there is some anxiety with the paintings i am working on...



This past weekend i was working on these* and boy doesn't it show that i don't know how to paint. I envy those who have such a natural sense of how the paint moves and how the colors could come together the way they want them to. Me, i have to keep trying and trying and pushing the paint around to see what would work. In a very clumsy and 'amaturish' way.

These are at their muddy state right now, and i will quit being ashamed of them:











(*They are actually panels from one of the cut-up black series paintings. Not sure if they will remain part of the black series or not later.)